The river changes its course anytime without warning, rational logic or total understanding. I am surprised with who I really am. Surprised? Is that a real good word? Is there such a thing as real words? Maybe I'm scared to face myself truly, because when I slightly do, I see a monster, Kali, Black and bloody staring straight into my eyes, cleaning and polluting me down the gutter.
Self awareness is as much a revelation as it is a disease.

Now, please understand me, my friend. I am not depressed, I do not have a low self estime, or neither its opposite. I am fine, my dear friend, and only if you don't judge me, or try to analyze me over cheap coffee psychology you will KNOW what I mean.

But the truth is I find myself to be such a materialistic person, that I can't swallow anymore new age theory or practice.
Now, you say, fine, we all are materialistic, at least you're aware of it, how great. Or rather that I am just a Human being confronting Humanity itself, its evolutionary path, and like anyone else am entangled in its scratchy net. Voila!

But what? What do I do? I have changed. Two years ago I travelled India for six months, I've stayed in truly simple rooms and had a truly simple life. I ate chapati and rice, street curry and sweet lassies, I carried a small backpack, and enjoyed new age books. Then I returned to India looking for the simple life once again, but this time, THE RIVER TOOK ANOTHER PATHWAY. The most unexpected route came to me. I came to India to search for the spiritual path, the path of detachement and consciouness and now LOOK at myself, tired of simple rooms, tired of simple life, willing confort and swish rooms, posh dinners and interesting conversations, refusing new age books and reading hard classics, aware of the dirt on street restaurants, carrying a bigger backpack cause I did too much shopping,totally uncapable to sleep with coackroachs and eat with flies, tired of rats and filled with the sad understanding that India is in such a serious social and political enclave that no help to beggar, or conversation over dinner will help to change it.

India means women desequality issues, illiteracy, infanticide murders, cast discrimination ( a system based on pure open racism), a democracy runned by a family of power (the gandhian and their immaculate contacts) and a fake religion (like any other aiming to control and oppress its society)!!!

And what do I do with this knowledge? How sad is this world, hey, corrupted and skanky?
No more the simple life, bless the conforts of humanity!!! So fine, I go and accept capitalism, I work for the system, I have AC, I eat mistreated animals, I carry on feeding my sweet plaseur ghat, and hope that it will all go with the river flow? BUt fuck,! Systems of oppression are everywhere- politicians, police, teachers, parents, companies- and that's that- also religion, a system like anyother, oppression. In this system, we are either oppressors or oppressed. Which one will I be? High status or low status clown? Will I contribute to pollute this world, to carry on the system of social inequality, to overuse our natural resources?

And on the other end, why am I not happy with the simple life, no car, no big job, no big life, veggie food, organic products, no corporation?
Why do I want more, and more, and more? And why do I Know that the river doesn't flow where I want it to go, its power is much stronger then me, and there's nothing I can do to change it? Ultimately why do I want rather then accept what there is?

It has a life of its own.

I sit on the Ganga and hold a one year old baby. She is so tiny makes me want to cry. She is malnutrioned and I am afraid she will dye in my hands so bad she looks, the mother tells me she has two girls !!!two girls, her husband left her cause she is no good, giving her two girls!!!
I say girls is good, women power, but she doesn't know what I am talking about, of course,so she carries on explaining that she lives on the street, collects plastic and sells it, she makes 5 cents a day, and she sleeps on the street.

The baby has her eyes closed totally infected, she is really poorly, and I can't hold the sights of it, so I grab her and take her to the hospital. We go two hours driving and on the rickshaw I clean her little eyes with a tissue and mineral water, and slowly she opens her eyes and she looks at me, and I can see her face, desperate, closer to death. The baby looks sad, and makes me want to cry, and she's burning in fever. BECAUSE she is a girl!!!

The mother tells me she was married at 16. The mother doesn't know that she needs to keep her baby on the shadow, she needs to clean and wash her baby, keep it cool and rested, feed her. She doesn't know anything because she is a baby herself, so I find a translator, a guy who works in a bookshop and tell her how to care for her baby.

We arrive to the hospital and wait for half an hour, the surroundings are really dirty, and then a nurse comes and says doctors are unavailable, what do we need? Unhappy with the situation I take them again by rickshaw to a private clinic and we go and see a doctor from Lucknow (a big city) who speaks english.

He seems a good doctor and he says she has a virus infection. He gives her some antibiotics (one of the biggest pollutters on earth), vitamins and other stuff, and I pay the bill- 500 rupies. Thats about 6 pounds.
I get paid in London the double of that per hour, but this woman could never ever afford this bill in a life of savings, so I think I've done something good, but I feel terrible, this world is terrible,and fucked,and we can't provide for all this people....and still care for our environment.!!!

Before sending them back to the littered streets I bought the little girl two tiny cotton dresses because she was wearing a very dirty heavy and hot winter suit, and as I said in my mails before it's now more then 35 degrees, daily.

So, I comeback to the hotel and feel disgusted for wanting MORE then I have, cause I do. I dream about a rich life, not a simple life. And this is the truth, this is the chit I am!

So, am I closer to mother teresa, the dalai lama, or the manhattan penthouse bitch I always dreamt about? Will I end up in lovely LA in front of a mac pc or in Tibet in front of corrupted tibetan monks? Cause you know REALLY- it's the SAME!!!
Will I find a in between? Can you stop oppression? Can you unite the women of this world and create a new world? When will women understand they are responsible for the future, and will stop fear, and will gain control?

Who is out there?